A Provost Meeting
By Dominyk Wolferam
Chris Cunning: [knocks on table with gavel] I hereby table the discussion regarding “where the rum has gone”.
Giacamo: I like rum!
Cunning: We are aware. And speaking of things Giacomo likes; with regard to last Pennsic I would like to take a vote banning him from using metaphors of any kind. Especially in the presence of the Dragoons.
Giacomo: Hey that’s not fair! That would be like…
All Provosts: NOOOOOO!
Giacomo: Now wait a minute that was a simile [pouts]
Connor: [whispering]What were you going to say?
Giacomo: [Tackles Chris]
Alejandro: [Talking to Aedan, paying no attention to Chris]You are totally more bald than me.
Aedan: Am not, I shaved my head, I have no hair by choice
Percy: Guys give it a rest. Chris looks more bald than both of you anyway…
Chris: [from the floor after being tackled by Giacomo]Hey!
Aedan: That’s true
Alan: Mmmmm [raises eyebrow]
Chris: [after picking himself up] Now let’s discuss people who are ready for elevation.
Marcellus: What do you guys think about Belphoebe?
Vyvyan: My codpiece is bigger.
Giacomo: [tackles Vyvian’s codpiece]
Chris: OK no more nominating your spouses or significant others, especially if they have already been elevated [glares at Robert]
Robert: She makes me do it, I swear!
Chris: Whatever. And no more nominating other peoples spouses or significant others, regardless of how…..familiar… you are with them [glares at Connor]
Connor: [busily studies the gigantic pixie stick he has been working on]
Alan: Mmmmm [raises eyebrow]
Sir Christian: Can we talk about fencing now?
Rosalind: Gawd Christian, you always want to talk about fencing. You’re not a Free Scholar anymore you know.
Sir Christian: Isn’t that why we have these meetings?
Aedan: No no. We have these meetings to discuss raiding schedules, where to get the best equipment drops, upcoming version patches….
Rosalind: Umm I think those are your WoW guild meetings.
Aedan: Hhhhm [shrugs] (This noise and gesture combination has been patented by Imaprovostandyournot LLC. and has been depicted with permission)
Isobel: Before we talk about fencing we do need to discuss some issues regarding our appearance off the list. Connor you might want to pay attention to this one.
Connor: [nods and puts attentive expression on his face while discreetly turning up the volume on his iPod]
Isobel: First I would like to say that Alejandro’s new Persian garb is quite fantastic.
Alejandro: [beams] Thank you
Kynny: Yeah. So what did you bring Al? Gold, incense or myrrh?
Alejandro: Why you…..I challenge you to a rugby match at dawn!!
Kynny: …..you know how I know you’re gay?
Chris: Guys chill out or Giacomo will tackle you
Giacomo: [eyes shift dangerously back and forth between Kynny and Alejandro]
Nathanial: [from the snack table] Hey! Who took the last of the smoked salmon?
Giacomo: [tackles the snack table]
Connor: [singing loudly] I FELL INTO THE BURNING RING OF FI…..[realizes he’s singing out loud]
Connor: It’s a Ramstein cover I swear! [pouts and skips to the next track on iPod]
Giacomo: [tackles Connor’s pixie stick]
Isobel: Anyway we need to discuss the issue of sunglasses being worn on the field.
Everyone except Robert: [groans]
Robert: Now come on people it’s important for us to look authentic while on site. We have to set an example for…
FOOMP [Roberts two foot starched neck ruff looses structural integrity and snaps straight up in the air giving an upside down lampshade effect]
Chris: And that’s Time. [clicks “stop” on a stopwatch]
Chris: Official time is fourteen minutes forty-two seconds. Who had fourteen thirty?
Melchior: I did!
Chris: You win the pot for this meeting. And the prize is….an extra large tube of Ben-Gay!
Percy: Lucky bastard!
Isobel: Now we have got to stop this! Every meeting you make bets on Roberts neck ruff, it’s ridiculous!
Llwyd: You’re just bitter because you had 15 minutes.
Isobel: Not true…..I had 14: 45….but that’s not the point!!
Chris: [sighs] Meeting adjourned
Aedan: [pulls out laptop and starts cruising Youtube]
Alan: Mmmmm[raises eyebrow]
Giacomo: [tackles his own chair]