Wear Armor

Sung to Wear Sunscreen

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, armour would be it. The long-term benefits of armour have been proven by Dukes, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice now…

Enjoy the power and beauty of your sword. Oh, never mind.. You will not understand the power and beauty of your sword until it’s mushed into a broom. But, trust me, in twenty rounds you’ll look back at pictures of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.

You are not as fat as you imagine…

Don’t worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to block a Duke’s axe by screaming in fear. The real blows that end the fights are apt to be the things that you never saw, the kind that blind side you around your shield..

Do one thing in every bout that scares you..


Don’t be reckless with other people’s ribcages. Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours…


Don’t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The bout is long and, in the end, it’s only with yourself… and with that guy trying to cave your skull in..

Remember the compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how..

Keep your old helms. Throw away your old swords..


Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know how to fight your opponent. The most interesting Counts are still surprised they won. The very most interesting Dukes didn’t know how to fight all their opponents either..

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees. You’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll win, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll be crowned, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll get knocked out in the first round, maybe you’ll be in finals. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. You blows are half chance. So are everyone else’s..

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own…

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but on your fallen opponent..

Read the rules of the list, even if you are illiterate..

Do not read the Order of Precedence. It will only make you feel outclassed.

Get to know your Crown. You never know when they’ll be gone for good. Be nice to your Baron. They’re your best link to your Crown..

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because, as Crown, you’ll see more geography and lifestyles than you ever imagined..

Live in Atlantia once, but leave before it makes you invulnerable to normal blows.

Live in the Northern Outlands once, but leave before you start accepting near misses as killing shots..

Accept some inalienable truths: Tournaments always run longer than expected. Feasts will be late. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you’ll fantasize that when you were young, tournaments were reasonable, feasts were on time, and children respected the Crown..

Respect your Crown..

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a squire. Maybe you have a consort. But it’s you standing on the list field.

Don’t mess too much with your helm or by the time you’re 40, it will be 40 gauge.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth..

But trust me on the armour…