The Dragoons - A Parody

By Dominyk Wolferam

We join our heroes towards the end of a long day of melee fighting. The intrepid Dragoon commander Celric has been placed in command of one of the armies as all of the Provosts are either have heat exhaustion, are marshaling, or are named Connor Livingstoune. The scene starts as Celric stands near his res point surveying his troops and quietly sings to himself….

Celric: I am the very model of a modern major gen…
Dominyk: [runs up out of breathe and excited] I just killed about 25 people!!
Celric: Great! [looks] Where?
Dominyk: I snuck behind their lines and killed all of them about 10 yards from their res point.
Celric: I see, well now I need you to go and reinforce the main line.
Dominyk: …..I hate fighting in the line.
Celric: I know. But this is a resurrection battle and all of those 25 people you just killed ARE NOW IN THE LINE!!!
Dominyk: [glares and drinks water]

Dante: [walks up giggling] I just used a cappo ferro lunge to nail some guy. It was GLORIOUS!!
Celric: Whatever. I need you to go take care of that newb who is trying to sneak around our left flank.
Dante: Excellent this is a great chance to employ my stringering technique! [marches merrily after the newb]
Celric: [sighs]

Alyna: [runs up to the res point with Jean Claude following] Celric!! The next time you send a messenger to my part of the line telling me that “the commander says it’s time for the naked dance” I will personally spray paint “East Kingdom Rocks!!” all over your tent.
Celric: Fine. Sorry. So…….are you going to do the dance?
Alyna: [storms off]
Jean Claude: [shrugs] Damn. Well it was worth a try.

Alric: [runs up and grabs some water] Celric! They have overrun our right flank are are getting ready to take the flag on that side! [runs back to the right flank before Celric can say a word]
Celric: Crap! What a bunch of Seans. I guess I’ll have to send someone competent. Hmmm. [shouts] Dante! Status?
Dante: [also shouting] I am still setting up to stringer this newbs blade. If you had attended my class you would understand how long it takes!!
Celric: Dammit. Dominyk….
Dominyk: No way Mister “I-don’t-have-a-sharks-tooth”, I’m off to fight in the main line! [runs off to join the main line for about 2 seconds before sneaking in to the opponents backfield]
Celric: Gaaaah! Kenji!
Kenji: [from directly behind Celric] Yes?
Celric: Fuckin A!! How long have you been back there?
Kenji: [smiles]
Celric: OK we’re being overrun on the right flank [turns and points] I need you to go over there and make sure the flag is secured [turns back and finds that Kenji is gone]
[Shouts of alarm and fear are heard from the opponents around the right flank]
Celric: Freak.

Later as the Dragoons return to the dayshade…

Dante: [talking to Raphael] I got the perfect stringer on this newbs blade, you should have seen it it was aaaaawsome.
Raphael: Did you kill him?
Dante: Well no. The marshal called time right as I captured his blade. It was perfect I we froze with my blade completely controling his. And I stood there glaring at him. I even hummed a few bars of Megadeath at him. He was totally scared.
Turvon: [trips on the grass and falls in a heap]
Simona: Dammit. Someone wrote “Dragons” on our water cooler again.
Dante Alejandro Dominyk Raphael Turvon Jean-Claude Alyna Briana: Fuckers!!!
Celric: [gives angry fingers]
Celric: I can’t believe nobody is discussing tactics for the battles at next week’s event.
Alyna: So let’s discuss them.
Celric: There’s nothing to discuss. I already know everything about the tactics. I just want everyone else to discuss them so they know as much as me.
Kenji: [calmly sits cross legged in the grass]

Alric: [runs up and grabs a cup of water, chugs it then looks around at everyone sprawled on the ground] What? Sitting? Pansies! I’m gonna go fight heavy now! You should all work on your cardio![runs off]
Turvon: I hate him!