The Dead Cadet Sketch

If you don't recognize the origin of this one, there's something wrong with you. *G* An unknown individual did a Squire adaptation of this Monty Python sketch. I took the liberty of changing it slightly to fit our Arte. Hope you enjoy it...


Customer Cadet Shop Assistant
I wish to register a complaint! Hello, Miss?
*looks up* What do you mean, "miss"?
I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint...
I'm sorry, we're closed for lunch...
Never mind that my lad, I wish to make a complaint about this here
Cadet wot I bought not an half hour ago from this here boutique
*puts cadet on table*
Ah yes, the um, the Midland Blue Doubleted. What's er, what's wrong with him?
I'll tell you what's wrong with him, my lad. He's dead!
That's what's wrong with him!
No, no, he's resting*looks up innocently*
Look matey, I know a dead cadet when I see one and I'm looking at one right now!
No, no, he's not dead he's resting. Remarkable Cadet, the Midland Blue,
beautiful physique. *sigh*
Physique don't enter into it, he's stone dead!
Na, na, he's er... resting... *looks away*
Alright then if he's resting, I'll wake him up.
*yells at cadet*
HELLO CADET!!!!!!! I've got a nice beer for you.
*nudges table* He moved!
No he didn't, you hit him.
*huffs*No I didn't
Yes you did. Watch this.
*loudly to cadet*
Hello cadet, wakey wakey! *hits cadet's head on table*
This is your nine o'clock alarm call. *bangs table again*

Now that is what I call a dead Cadet
Now look what you did. He's stunned.
Yes, you stunned him just as he was waking up. Cadets stun easily, you know.
Now look , don't play the slippery fella with me, that cadet is definitely deceased, and when purchasing him not half an hour ago you assured me that his total lack of movement was due to him being tired and worn out after a long night on the beer.
Well he's pining for the battle.
Pining for the battle, what kind of talk is that? And why did
he fall flat on his back the moment I got him to my castle?
The Midland Blue prefers kipping on his back. Remarkable Cadet, eh good Don? Beautiful physique...
Look tosh! I took the liberty of examining this cadet when I got home and the only reason he was upright was due to a Del Tin up his backside.
Of course he had a Del Tin up his back. If I hadn't put it there, he would have been straight over your castle walls. *points away* Vroom!!!!!
Mate, this cadet wouldn't vroom if you stuck a red hot poker up his bum. He's bleeding demised!
No, no, he's pining...
He's not pining, he's..., he's past on. This cadet is no more. He has ceased to be, he has expired and gone to meet his maker. He is a stiff. Bereft of life, he rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed him to his horse, he'd be pushing up the daisies. He's off the boil. He's curled up his tootsies, he's shuffled off this mortal coil, he's run down the curtain to join the bleeding choir invisible. He's f*cking snuffed it. Viz a vi the metabolic processes, he's had his lot. All statements to the effect that this cadet is still a going concern are from now on inoperative. This is an Ex-Cadet!
Well..., well I'd better replace it then, hadn't I?
If you want anything done in this country, you got to
scream until you're blue in the face. What's the news?
Well, I've had a look around the back and we are right out of cadets.
I see, I see, I get the picture.
I've got an archer...
Does it disappear when its time to armour up?
Right! I'll have that one then!